If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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