did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
