Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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