My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
