I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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