I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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