I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
