It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
