maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
