Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
