Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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