I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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