lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
