Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
