If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
