Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
