I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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