every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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