girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
