This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
