when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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