Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
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Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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