Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
