Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
