barbara walters just said penis...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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