i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
