Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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