Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
