Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
