I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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