If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
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Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.