And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.