Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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