I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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