the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
