Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
