Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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