Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
