Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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