just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
