my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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