and you said cock pushups were impossible
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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