I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
