he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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