we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
