chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
