Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
