Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
