my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
