I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
