He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
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i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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