we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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