i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
