Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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