If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a search helicopter?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
