I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
